Thursday, August 23, 2012

What You Need to Know About BDSM


A man’s wrists are bound using a simple belt.
I like the focus of this simple photograph: a man’s torso, hands loose and held in front his body, tied with what is presumably his own belt. Perhaps moments ago that belt was encircling his waist in the belt loops of his jeans. Now that it’s binding his wrists, are his pants going to be removed next? I’m a very big fan of pervertible toys like these. They’re not only inexpensive, effective, and often very comfortable, they also embody the spirit of freedom and accessibility that I hold so dear.
This picture is also an interesting one because it clearly demonstrates a very fundamental aspect of human desire: it’s simple. Ritual, tradition, or ceremony need only be associated with sex if you want it to be. It is okay for desire to just be; there’s nothing wrong with a desire devoid of reason or morality, desire that merely exists. No matter what authority figures in your life want you to believe—be they your religion, your parents, your government, or your teachers—human sexuality, desire, and emotion doesn’t have to adapt to its surroundings.
If you maintain a basic respect for others, there’s nothing wrong with adapting your surroundings to fit your desires.
-maymay
ireensarrows:
(via eugiee) 
Getting a little pissed about the whole Fifty Shades of Gray thing, and other "BDSM" novels.

Some straight-up facts from a real-life sub: 

The vast majority of us are not psychologically damaged. No mental disorders, no child abuse, no child neglect, no unstable personalities. We're regular people. 

Collars are not fashion statements. They are a sign that a sub is taken. (They are also handy for attaching subs to things.)

Yes, a collar is often like a wedding band. Both symbolize commitment. But most of the time, a collar is just a collar. 

Subspace is a pain-induced high. Once, I read a story in which the main character claimed to fall into subspace while five minutes into a session, without experiencing pain or bondage or any sort. This is about as unlikely as having an orgasm without being touched. 
In other words, it takes a while to happen, and it pretty much requires the submissive to be hurt, be they spanked, whipped, flogged, caned, slapped, or what have you.

Slave contracts are a real thing, but they aren't legal in any way. Some people like them, but they're not a huge thing. 

Abuse is horrifying. I HATE HATE HATE that most BDSM books involve serious psychological abuse. Abuse is NOT SEXY. I do NOT like coercion. I do NOT like non-consent. And these things DO NOT take place in a healthy BDSM relationship. 

It's dom or domme, not dominatrix or dominator. The term dominatrix is often used to describe a woman who sells her services (also called a pro-domme). The most common and correct terms to refer to a dominant person are dom (male) or domme (female). 

A sub and a slave are not the same thing. A slave is obedient to their dom/me twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. A sub is submissive when they choose to be. Google this.

A sub is obligated to submit to THEIR dom/me, not ANY dom/me. If an unknown top came up to me in a leather club and told me to get him a drink, I'd flip him off. 

It's true, some people choose not to use safewords. These are generally people that have known each other a long time and trust each other very much. 

We do have a community. If someone is a bad dom/me, word can get around. People start talking; subs are warned to stay away. An often-discussed topic in online communities is how to spot red flags that indicate someone is a bad dom/me. 

Switches are a real thing. Some people like both dominating and submitting. It's not a big deal. 

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