What You Need to Know About BDSM

 

Getting a little pissed about the whole Fifty Shades of Gray thing, and other "BDSM" novels.

Some straight-up facts from a real-life sub: 

The vast majority of us are not psychologically damaged. No mental disorders, no child abuse, no child neglect, no unstable personalities. We're regular people. 

Collars are not fashion statements. They are a sign that a sub is taken. (They are also handy for attaching subs to things.)

Yes, a collar is often like a wedding band. Both symbolize commitment. But most of the time, a collar is just a collar. 

Subspace is a pain-induced high. Once, I read a story in which the main character claimed to fall into subspace while five minutes into a session, without experiencing pain or bondage or any sort. This is about as unlikely as having an orgasm without being touched. 

In other words, it takes a while to happen, and it pretty much requires the submissive to be hurt, be they spanked, whipped, flogged, caned, slapped, or what have you.

Slave contracts are a real thing, but they aren't legal in any way. Some people like them, but they're not a huge thing. 

Abuse is horrifying. I HATE HATE HATE that most BDSM books involve serious psychological abuse. Abuse is NOT SEXY. I do NOT like coercion. I do NOT like non-consent. And these things DO NOT take place in a healthy BDSM relationship. 

It's dom or domme, not dominatrix or dominator. The term dominatrix is often used to describe a woman who sells her services (also called a pro-domme). The most common and correct terms to refer to a dominant person are dom (male) or domme (female). 

A sub and a slave are not the same thing. A slave is obedient to their dom/me twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. A sub is submissive when they choose to be. Google this.

A sub is obligated to submit to THEIR dom/me, not ANY dom/me. If an unknown top came up to me in a leather club and told me to get him a drink, I'd flip him off. 

It's true, some people choose not to use safewords. These are generally people that have known each other a long time and trust each other very much. 

We do have a community. If someone is a bad dom/me, word can get around. People start talking; subs are warned to stay away. An often-discussed topic in online communities is how to spot red flags that indicate someone is a bad dom/me. 

Switches are a real thing. Some people like both dominating and submitting. It's not a big deal.